Friday's Morning Email: Putin Thinks Obama Is His Bridge Over Troubled Water

The
Kids, hold onto your Easter baskets this weekend: Eighty-one percent of parents steal their kids' Easter candy. Jesus would most definitely not do that. This is THE MORNING EMAIL for Friday, April 18, 2014.

The Scuttlebutt

TOP STORIES

PEACE DEAL REACHED IN UKRAINE
"The United States, Russia, Ukraine and the European Union reached an agreement on Thursday evening that called for armed pro-Russian bands in eastern Ukraine to surrender the government buildings they have seized and that outlined other steps to defuse a crisis that has rattled the international community." However, Obama isn't counting on Russia to hold up its end of the bargain, and pro-Russia factions in Ukraine said Russia "did not sign anything for us." Meanwhile, flyers telling Ukrainian Jews "to register" were globally denounced. The flyers do not appear to be coming from official channels. [NYT]

8 MILLION ENROLL IN OBAMACARE
"In a remarkable rebound from the botched rollout of Obamacare, 8 million people have signed up for private health insurance via the exchanges created by the Affordable Care Act since October, President Barack Obama announced during a press briefing at the White House Thursday." Here's what's next for Obamacare. [HuffPost]

270 STILL MISSING IN FERRY TRAGEDY
"A team of eight divers had entered a capsized South Korean ferry on Friday and was searching for survivors, although they were unlikely to find anyone alive from among hundreds still missing more than 48 hours after the vessel began sinking." South Korean prosecutors are seeking warrants for the captain and crew. The captain may not have been manning the ferry at the time of its capsizing. The vice principal of the high school that most of the ferry passengers attended was found hanging from a tree after being rescued. Chances that anyone is still alive are slim. [Reuters]

STATESIDE: Waste of Water
After a 19-year-old took a leak in a reservoir, Oregon officials are draining 38 million gallons of water to maintain its purity. New stem cell cloning advances "reopen ethical questions." Doctors are now being urged to consider the costs of treatments when making medical recommendations. The mysterious Kansas City highway shooting suspect has been taken into custody. Beau Biden, the Attorney General of Delaware and son of Vice President Joe Biden, declared his intentions to run for governor.

In heartwarming news, here's a 17-week-old baby who can say "I love you."

INTERNATIONAL INTRIGUE: Another World?!?
Putin doesn't want to annex Alaska because it's too cold there. Because that would be the only reason not to annex Alaska. He also said he thinks Obama would save him if he's drowning. A U.S. plane ended up in Iran, which is hard considering current trade sanctions. An avalanche on Mount Everest was the deadliest to date. The cost of the continued search for the missing Malaysian plane is astronomical. And scientists have found an Earth-like planet that may have water on its surface. [Image via WSJ]

In Easter egg news, here's some gorillas getting in on the hunting fun.

BUY! SELL! BUY! Chipotle Prices =(
Forget Candy Crush: Farmville 2 has been released. Facebook's new Nearby Friends feature lets you see where your friends are, because texting is obviously too hard. City taxes are being transformed by the shift from commercial to residential development. M&A desks have been picking up the trading slack for Goldman and Morgan Stanley. And you might want to think twice about adding guac: Chipotle prices are about to go up.

In not so happy news, Pharrell's "Happy" music video without the music is really creepy.

SCOUTING REPORT: Triple Play Fun
The St. Louis Blues took a playoff series lead after downing the Chicago Blackhawks in triple overtime. Duke's Jabari Parker eloquently explains why he declared for the draft. ESPN takes a look at how LA Dodgers star Yasiel Puig's escape from Cuba haunts him to this day. TNT's NBA sideline reporter Craig Sager is undergoing treatment for leukemia. And here's what a triple play looks like. [Image via Deadspin]

In adorable pug news, here's some that synchronize well.

CULTURE CATCH-UP: Make Your Own Scandal Monologue
Gabriel García Márquez, the Nobel Laureate and acclaimed author of "100 Years of Solitude," died at 87 yesterday. Here's why Katie Couric thinks the web is a "step up" from TV. The Cannes Film Festival unveiled its May lineup. Steven Speilberg has hopped on the religious movie bandwagon with his latest project. Clint Eastwood just released the trailer for his "Jersey Boys" movie. Yes, you read that correctly. And create your own "Scandal" monologue, if only to help you recover from last night's INSANE finale.

In soccer news, here's a dog who can play catch with his front paws.

LIVIN': Harry's Hairrrr
You've been taking your shirt off wrong all these years. Here are some uses for all your Easter decorations after Sunday. Want to live in the most isolated place possible? Check out this map. Here's some spring outfit combos you can rock from day to night. And here's why you should take some hair tips from boy bands. Because who isn't jealous of Harry Styles' hair?

In you-toil-for-fifty-years-and-then-you-die news, here's a site that chronicles sad desk lunches.

OTHER PEOPLE'S BUSINESS: A Clinton Grandbaby!!!
Chelsea Clinton's having a baby! What with all the buzz over Zac Efron's body, people are especially jealous of his new girlfriend. Christina Aguilera finally confirmed her pregnancy on Twitter. And Kate Middleton gave her husband a hard time about his thinning hair. She looked fantastic, naturally.

In culinary inventions news, the pizza cake could soon be the next big thing.

TWITTERATI

@HillaryClinton: My most exciting title yet: Grandmother-To-Be! @billclinton and I are thrilled that Chelsea and Marc are expecting their first child!

@DylanByers: . @KeithOlbermann : "If the New York Times Style section says something is hip, it's dead."

@RyanSeacrest: "food is just a vehicle to get hot sauce into our bodies

@mindykaling: Broome Street Greene Street with your fancy unnecessary e's, I get it, you're high end bitches

@shondarhimes: "He took my child. So I took his." That is how Papa Pope rolls. #Scandal

ONE MORE THING
Here are some Easter cakes gone awry.

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