Even as the national conversation on domestic violence and the support provided to survivors has grown, one portion of the population has often suffered in silence: military spouses. Many are isolated, reliant on the income and benefits, and the resources they do have for support are within the very systems binding them to their abusers. A HuffPost investigation released this week looks at this "forgotten crisis."
Amanda Kippert anchored several pieces in the series. The Tucson-based freelancer is the content editor of DomesticShelters.org, which helps more than 2 million people a year find information on domestic violence. She talked to Must Reads this week about the series and her work.
Why is domestic violence in the military "forgotten," as the series title implies?
Domestic violence, in general, is one of the most underreported crimes, and for good reason. Survivors are often threatened by abusers that if they speak out, they’ll be harmed or killed, or violence will be used against their children or other family members. They’re essentially held hostage. When survivors do find the courage to speak out and are met with judgement, many return to the abuser, feeling like no one who will believe or help them.
We found that this rhetoric is upheld across all branches of the military. Spouses are told the mission comes first and that they should support their husbands. Abusers were taken somewhere to “cool down” and then allowed to return home where many continued or escalated the abuse. Survivors by and large suffer in silence until their abusive partner is discharged into the civilian world, possibly as a dangerous and volatile individual.
What interested you in the topic?
As a military spouse myself, I’m aware of the challenges that come with this life: the remote bases, the lack of steady support systems as you’re moved to a new place every three years and the male-dominated culture that, in some instances, continues to uphold outdated beliefs about gender roles. Survivors face an uphill battle — not only are they relying on someone within the military to believe them and help them, but if their abuser is discharged as a result, these spouses are then left without support of any kind. Their housing, health insurance and spousal income is gone. They’re trapped between a rock and a hard place, all the while being told that their spouse is a war hero who deserves support.
And, to be clear, at least half the women I spoke to wanted to do just that. They wanted to find help for their spouses whose abusive behaviors, they believe, were perpetuated by the effects of PTSD. Yet even asking for mental health assistance was an uphill battle. Many commanders still tout the “mission comes first” argument. It’s infuriating to hear over and over again. Change needs to happen within the military.
What did you find most meaningful in reporting on this topic?
I found myself becoming emotional during so many moments this year as women told me about what they’d endured, how scared they were and how scared some of them continue to be. How one woman sleeps with a loaded gun under her pillow in case he comes to find her. How another fears I’ll write about her murder someday. Many have children who have been gravely affected by the abuse and are in therapy today to recover. But if that’s not scary enough, there’s also this: More than half a dozen women I interviewed said they believed their ex-spouse could be the next mass shooter, much like former airman Devin Patrick Kelley who shot and killed 26 people at the First Baptist Church in Sutherland Springs, Texas in 2017. "It would not shock me," one survivor told me. "Every time I hear about that, actually, I look to see who it is.”
You also work with DomesticShelters.org. Tell me a bit about the site and its mission.
DomesticShelters.org is the first searchable online database of domestic violence shelters. It’s a one-stop shop for finding help and support to understand and escape abuse. There’s information about more than 2,800 shelters throughout the U.S. and Canada, and the site, sees some 3 million visitors a year. It’s part of Theresa’s Fund, an Arizona nonprofit founded in 1992 to help prevent domestic violence.
How has working on the site affected your reporting on the topic?
I’ve garnered so much knowledge reporting on domestic violence practically nonstop for the last six years and talking to experts, seasoned advocates and hundreds of survivors. I am still constantly learning about the facets of this epidemic. There is so much more to domestic violence than most people think. The biggest misnomer that still persists is that a survivor is responsible for the abuse if they choose to stay. The reality is, it’s so much more complicated to leave than simply packing a bag and walking out the door.
Many survivors hold out desperate hope that the partner they once fell in love with will go back to being that caring person, instead of the controlling and violent individual they’ve become. Many survivors share children with their abuser, and are terrified of losing custody if they leave. Many have been cut off from finances, are forbidden from holding a job, and feel like they have no way to support themselves or their children if they leave. Many have been told they or their children will be killed if they leave, and they have solid reasons to believe this is true.
We've received so much reader feedback about this series. Why do you think this issue has struck such a chord?
I’m encouraged that people are reading this series, especially people in the military. Many of the emails I’ve received are from people in the military, and a handful of them are men who say yes, this is happening to women and it needs to change.
These survivors who chose to speak out are incredibly brave and inspiring. They’re saying, "This happened to me, it was awful, and no one helped until I almost died." It shouldn’t have to come to a near-homicide for someone to pay attention. | 
